This is a lot longer than I typically like to write. Hopefully you'll see why, and indulge me a little.
I believe that it's human nature to believe that no matter how bad a situation is, it will all work out somehow. Whatever the obstacles may be, there are none too great to overcome. I think we're all innately optimistic.
I'm not afraid of cancer. I'm fighting it hard, and fighting it well. I have a support team beyond belief, and a medical team to match. Screw cancer. I think I'm a worthwhile opponent.
But today is a pity party.
I say that so that if this ain't your thing, I don't want you to have to suffer through it all.
I'm a father. I have three children, the youngest being 14 years old.
Last night my youngest came home from her school volleyball tournament, and it was obvious that she'd been crying. That's always "red alert" for a dad. She'd been with her mother for the tournament, since I'm still not allowed to be in with large crowds in public. In my effort not to be a bumbling idiot who would say the wrong thing to her, I asked her mother what had been the problem, maybe a bad game or something.
The answer crushed me. Absolutely devastated me.
She'd been crying on the car ride home. After the tournament, she and her classmates were chatting it up. My daughter was handed a bunch of invitations to upcoming graduation parties. (They're all graduating from the 8th grade and moving on to high school.) There is also a class Formal in a few weeks, a big party given them by the school. My girl, like so many others, does Facebook, Twitter, etc., and the girls in her class have all been posting photos of their new formal-wear dresses over the past few days.
So why was this so upsetting to her?
Because she doesn't have a dress at the moment. And she's pretty certain there isn't going to be a party for her to invite her friends to.
She's 14 years old. She is every father's dream as far as being a child. She's been an exemplary student, she's thoughtful at home, follows all the rules. Honest to God, I've never, ever had to raise my voice to this particular child. Ever. And that is the truth. She's done everything right.
She is 14 years old. These are not the tears of a greedy, selfish brat. These things are what 14 year old girls would consider important.
These are the things that break a father's heart. She's done everything she's ever been asked to do, from preschool to 8th grade. She's been an Honor Roll Student since she was old enough to actually qualify for such a thing. And she's been just as great a daughter as a student. Like I said, a father's dream.
A little background...
I was injured in 2006, which required six months of surgeries and recuperation. When I returned to my job as a Floor Trader at the NY Stock Exchange in early 2007, I could see that computer automation was taking over, essentially eliminating the need for we people. I acquired a number of additional securities licenses and credentials in the hope of making a career transition within the Securities industry.
But the layoffs came. I was out of work. Now I thought I had it all covered. I had experience and licenses and credentials that I was certain would help me find work. I had two years' salary saved, like the experts all advised. I figured it was just a matter of time until I was employed again.
I figured wrong. I was out of work from 2007 until late 2011. All the money was gone. Everything was wrong. I applied for better than 200 jobs and never got a bite from any brokerage firms I'd hoped to join. I even spent some time as an independent consultant with an insurance company. Of course, that was during the worst period in Wall Street history between the mortgage debacle that killed Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch, my former employer. People were choosing between life insurance and food on the table, and guess what won? I managed to eke out a little income during 2010, at one point winning an award for being #1 in Investments sales in the State of New Jersey.
But there were far more down times than up. At one point, I remember having $35 in the bank. $35. With three kids to care for. I applied for aid to feed my family. Pride is an awful thing to swallow, but need comes before ego.
I struggled. I gave up trying to find work on Wall Street, as it was apparent there was no place for me. I sought work anywhere and everywhere.
In late 2011, I was offered a position in a supermarket chain. It's a high end, gourmet company that was looking for assistant managers. While I had some experience from years ago within that industry, I never dreamed they'd view my management experience on Wall Street as valuable to them, but they did. And I was hired.
I was making 1/10th of what I did on Wall Street.
But the job came with health insurance benefits. That alone saved me $25,000 per year, which is what I paid to have my own health insurance policy for my family. Three months after I was hired, my family was covered. And my contribution was a mere $50 per week.
But the unemployment took a devastating toll. I defaulted on all my debt, including my mortgage. I fell behind, drastically on that home loan. All I focused on was feeding and caring for my children.
I thought I was going to have a chance. Although I was making so much less money than ever before, I was a dreamer. The company I work for is big on advancement and promotions. I set my sights on success. I even managed to secure a second job to help cover some bills. Tough as it was, we were moving forward.
Then came 2013. The job at the supermarket was very physical. I began to lose weight. A lot of weight. I figured, after 30 years of being a paper-pusher, my body was getting in shape, responding to the physical exertions of my new career.
10 pounds gone. Then 20. When I was hired, my job's physical exam had me weighing 267 pounds. But by April 2013, I was down to 197 pounds. And my body was beginning to hurt. Through the grace of God, I found a doctor who paid attention to the details, followed through with testing, and discovered I was stricken with a blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma. I was informed that this was a somewhat nasty cancer, which I have come to understand. I was very grateful for that medical insurance, believe me.
Chemotherapy beats the hell out of you. That's not news to anyone. I underwent a stem cell transplant this past March. That also beats the hell out of you. I've been out of work, on short-term disability benefits, since February, so that I could receive the chemotherapy necessary for the stem cell transplant. And I've been in recovery since then.
Weird how the world is, though. US Bank holds my mortgage. They've decided that now is the time they have to start the foreclosure proceedings.And the bill collectors have been on me non-stop. The phone rings constantly. I have tried everything in my power to do the right thing, and pay what I owe the best that I can. But there is no "right thing" where debt collectors are concerned. They want their money, and they want it now. One NJ debt collection firm, Pressler and Pressler, has tormented my family relentlessly. There's no negotiation, no talking to them. And despite my best efforts to work things out with US Bank, they're coming for my home. I see no way out, financially. Disability offers 80% of my regular salary. That's not a lot of money.
Which brings me back to my 14 year old. These circumstances are way beyond her comprehension. But as I said, she's a dream of a child for any dad. All my kids are. They've sacrificed, they've done without. But we've managed to remain a family. They've supported me and taken care of me as best they can.
There is nothing worse for a father than seeing his children suffer. When one is a 14 year old, even the bravest, most selfless child has a breaking point. And seeing one's classmates making happy plans for graduations, dresses and Class Night Formals, when one is left out, sure qualifies as a breaking point.
And it makes her father cry himself. A helpless failure of a father who would give his life to provide for those kids.
She has done everything she was asked to do, was supposed to do. She followed the rules to the letter. And now, when it's time for a little reward for those efforts, she's left flat.
Or so she thinks.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but that girl of mine will have a dress. And while there will be no fancy party in a hall for her graduation, there will be something.
So why am I telling you all of this? Why am I subjecting you to this torture?
Very simple.
I know a lot of you believe in the power of prayer. Some of you even believe in miracles.
I need both. So badly.
I know there are far more pressing issues in our lives. Foreclosures, bankruptcy, yeah they're pretty demanding of my time and effort. And man, they make it hard to get rid of this damned cancer.
But there isn't a single cell in my brain that could allow me to overlook the pain that my girl is feeling.
We don't have to hold a major gala for her graduation, but she deserves something in honor of her hard work and accomplishments. If there were ever a time where a dad would want to spoil his girl a little, that time is now.
And I have nothing to offer. While I believe God has stopped listening to me a long time ago, I do think there are some of you who can offer a prayer or two that He will hear. It's somewhat selfish of me to ask, but the prayers are really for my girl. She's 14. She should have what 14 year old girls who do the right thing should have.
I can't remember the last time I cried in my bed.
I hate cancer so much.
